KiKi

I have been avoiding my blog for quite a while… It has to stop now! I have to remain accountable and diligent in my journey. I started this journey October 18 2008… My weight loss has slowed down …and that has resulted in me losing my excitement along the way. I continue to bury myself at the gym… I am talking 7 days a week at 3-4 hours a day. I love working out… It has become an addiction. I do believe that it brings me great joy. I still suffer with food allergies and probably will until the day that I die. I realize that I am addicted to food. I crave things all of the time. I get very frustrated at those cravings. If it wasn’t for them, I think I would be very happy. I find myself thinking about what I am going to eat next and putting too much thought into eating …. or how I am going to get “a fix” if you will… Even though, I make smart choices and cannot eat things I once allowed myself to, I find myself justifying my eating by snacking on “healthy foods”… I need to stop this…. I have come to far and don’t want to go backwards. I would love to be out of the 300’s by summer… I hope I can reach this goal. I have been very upset these past few days, because I have been sick and haven’t been able to work out. I find myself feeling guilty because I am too weak to work out. I have a recital on Sunday so it’s very important that I get well and save my energy for my performance. I am making a deal with myself from this point on. Whenever I crave snacks, I will sign onto buddyslim and get my mind off of food… I am addicted to food… I have always known this … It doesn’t get easier… For me there is no moderation… If I taste it, I want more… So I just need to STOP…. I have come to far to turn back now. Thank you to all of you that read this. It means so very much to me. We can reach our goals together … with support and love and dedication…. we must stay accountable for ourselves. I have avoided logging in to buddyslim for a long time… I work out so hard but the scale isn’t moving…. and I think I have become very embarrassed, I was hoping i’d be further along in my goal by now… 

Love to all!

Ok, So it’s been a long time since I have wrote…..  I am still trying very hard. I started going to a personal trainer back in March and since then I have lost 15% body fat. I am working out everyday and eating what my trainer tells me to… The body fat loss is great but the scale has slowed down and I have been getting pretty frustrated… I know they say it will happen but I just need to see the scale move in order to stay motivated. I have come to far to give up! A little background information on me that you need to know in order to understand … I have never been small/skinny/thin…. I was always the bigger girl….so this is exciting that this is the lightest I have ever been as an adult and I honestly can’t remember the last time I weighed 314 lbs… I have to be thrilled with that…. However, I can’t help but wonder if subconsciously I am sabotaging myself… After 32 years of life, for the first time I have really started to love myself and feel comfortable in my own skin. I know that I haven’t reached my goal but I think somewhere in my mind, I am more accepted and I am comfortable with the way that I am looking…. I think sometimes I get scared because if I ever do make it to my goal weight…. I don’t have a clue what I am going to look like…. and so far, I don’t have lots of loose skin…. but I feel that if i lose more, It is more of a possibility…. So I think sometimes… even though I am not finished…. it’s a safe place right now…. and I need to move forward…. and know that things are going to be ok….  I can tell myself this…. but it’s time that I start believing it and really make it happen….. I have come to far to turn back now….     I deserve to see this through and love myself completely and become what I know that I can…. Thanks to all that read this and give feedback, it’s much appreciated!
Love to all……           Dennise, xoxo

Hello you lovely buddies!

Hope you’re having a great weekend. I weighed in this morning and I couldn’t believe I finally made it over my 100 mark. I was so nervous because I thought I was sabotaging myself. Honestly, I never thought this day would come. It doesn’t quite feel like I thought it would. I am happy, don’t get me wrong but a little melancholy too. Not really sure why… I guess it is because I realize that I have so much further to go. and… maybe because when I am completely having a wonderful day, sometimes a stranger comes along and says something to remind me that I am larger or that I am overweight… a constant reminder.  Like Friday, I went to a fabric store ( I have a recital every year and my mom makes my gowns, and I am trying to find something very special) She was giving me ideas… and she said ” You’re a substantial woman, you could wear any color.” I felt kinda bad, I mean substantial means “Sturdy” or “Large”… and I wish that I could go one day without being reminded of my size. It’s a very sensitive subject, but one that you think I would be used to after 31 years. Still I don’t think it ever gets easier to hear. Not that it matters but this woman was from Germany and I thought she would appreciate the fact that I am an opera singer… but she ended our conversation by saying, “I like my opera singers that are voluptuous and not skinny”… I guess she was just trying to be nice. It still infuriates me. But oh well… I need to realize that no matter what, I will never please everyone and that even when I get to my goal weight, someone will still pick me apart. Throughout this journey, I am really finding out a lot about myself. My hopes and fears and all the dreams that I have always hoped would come true. It kinda frightens me because when I finally lose all the weight, everything will all be up to me, and I won’t have anymore excuses or things or weight to blame the bad stuff on. I will have to be accountable for everything… and it will just be me. I do hope that I can finally be good enough… at least for me… People that never had a weight problem just don’t undersand… It’s more than a physical problem. It’s so emotional and mental. I guess that explains why sometimes I just feel like crying when I’m doing my 2 hour cardio sessions. It’s a release… and I never ever thought I could accomplish any of this. I always thought I would be that chubby blonde opera singer that had to feel like hiding. For once in my life, I don’t want to hide anymore. I want it all!  Thank you to all of you… you have inspired me and motivated me when I felt like I couldn’t lose anymore. I hope that I can stay positive and keep going. I feel that I have such a long way to go for my final goal. When I think about it I get kinda sad… but I never thought I could ever lose weight. I was always fat my entire life and as an adult, I never weighed under 380 lbs.  Together we can battle and lose weight to be mentally, physically, emotionally healthy….. and HAPPY….  Let’s never give up!

Ok, so here goes… I’m just gonna type and we’ll see what we end up with! I haven’t blogged in a while and it’s way overdue. First of all…  I want to thank each and everyone of you for all of the love, support, and inspiration that you give. As of today, I have lost 86 lbs. It seems very unbelievable to me but I am very happy and scared at the same time. Happy because all of the positive changes… and for accomplishing something that I have wanted to do for a lifetime…Scared because I feel like it’s not really happening to me… I have to stop and remind myself that it is real… I feel like I am missing part of myself… but I suppose that is a pretty normal feeling after have losing almost 100 lbs….

 I have been very faithful when it comes to working out. I work out 6 days a week for 3 hours a day.  It does make me mad when acquaintances that don’t know me very well… (such as my hairstylist) make comments like “You work out too much”… ” You need to slow down and rest”… When people say that to me, It makes me want to do that much more… especially when these people don’t ever work out themselves or even try to make positive changes in their lives. It almost feels like they are jealous or begrudge me for all of the progress that I have made. Another thing that really PISSES me off… is the fact that now that I have lost weight; I get so much more attention… people talk with me more… especially at the gym… people that would never have talked to me when I weighed nearly 500 lbs. It’s almost like they see how determined and motivated I am and they want to give me their unsolicited advice. Like they want to somehow take a piece of credit of the things that I have accomplished on my own. Where were they when I was almost 500 lbs? When I needed them the most? … I find it hilarious that these people are popping up out of nowhere and that they want to help me now … when obviously, I have done this on my own.  I guess these things should make me happy but honestly… It really infuriates me… and empowers me at the same time. I have always known that there are so many self proclaimed experts in this world… but wow! I’m really getting a taste of it first hand. Everyone has their own opinion on proper weight lifting…etc… and they are very quick to give you their 10 cents… In conclusion,  I will continue doing what I have been doing for the last 9 months, it’s obviously worked… I am very thankful for my very supportive and loving parents with whom I would be nothing without… they are my best friends….. and for all of you that have been there for me… I love you all! It’s been an amazing journey so far and I can’t wait for all of the good things to come… and always know, that I will be here cheering each and every one of you on! Thanks so much! Love, Dennise

OK so it’s been a while since I have blogged… This journey has been so scary, exciting, overwhelming, and unbelievable all at once! My mind still hasn’t caught up with my body… and when I look in the mirror, sometimes I still can’t believe that I’m actually doing this. This is something that I have wanted ever since I was a young girl. Although, I never thought it possible. I think it’s important that when you’re on a journey this big, you should stop and do mind/body image exercises, just to remind you how much progress you’re making! I wish I would have started doing that sooner because perhaps now, I wouldn’t feel like a stranger to myself. People that love me and are the closest to me always say, “wow! you’re looking so good”…etc… and it doesn’t feel real… Don’t get me wrong, I am happier now with myself than I have ever been.  I don’t mind full length pictures… for once in my life! I know that I have a long way to go but for once I am ok with myself… and not ashamed of my reflection in the mirror. So many times before I would want to sabotage myself… and just give up…  and run away…. from my problems…  or what we call the fight or flight response… or (the acute stress response when the natural instinct of animal is to fight or flee) I know that I’m making progress and can see the person that I want to be..so now I don’t want to flee… I want to stay and keep going… and keep striving to be the best I can be. I know it sounds trite. I find myself getting that courage to persevere and never be satisfied… at the same time knowing that I’m worth it and I’m good enough… but to always remain humble in my life…  I am definitely going to finish what I have started… and I know you can too!

I haven’t blogged in a while … so this is what’s been on my mind lately… For years of being overweight, being the “bigger kid”, and the chubby girl with a pretty face… ( as I was often told)…    being overweight was the one thing that always held me back… for my career, for relationships, self esteem… I always felt inadequate. And through the years, it merely became an excuse to not move forward. For my career, I would put off vocal competitions… I spend so much time working on my voice, that when I had my arias prepared and ready… I would not go because I was afraid that they would reject me not because of my voice, but because I was too fat, or would take up too much spotlight. I would never want to admit that… but lately since I have been changing my lifestyle of eating… (not only because of my weight, but due to my food allergies, that I have blogged in previous blogs) I have found it quite freeing to face all of my fears and all of my irrational thoughts. For years, I would go to the gym and half-heartedly work out and diet… (when i was younger I tried losing weight the wrong way) but I would weigh myself and I didn’t want to admit that I outweighed the scale… so it would never balance out. I convinced myself that the scales were broken… How convenient, right? Every scale at the gym was broken… SO YES I was in denial. Now through this journey, I am trying to be brave and admit it to myself and the people that love me the most… that yes I can’t believe I allowed myself to get so heavy… but more than that, saying the numbers out loud definitely keeps me in check and makes me more determined than ever to make those numbers go down, down, down… the RIGHT way this time…. I weighed my heaviest last December …( I broke down and bought a scale that held 500lbs.) When receiving it, Immediately I weighed myself and I was appalled that I weighed, 455lbs. WOW, was that a wakeup call… I was determined for a while anyway… and was able to lose 10 lbs right away. I kept trying…. and back in October of this year 2008, I was made aware of my sugar, yeast and gluten allergy… on October 19 as a matter of fact… and that day I weighed 445lbs. I weigh 408 now… and it’s such an amazing feeling that  I just want to keep going… and going… my clothes are finally getting super super baggy on me and I can’t wait until it gets to the point, that I need new clothes… I don’t want to stop this time… so if it means reminding me of those dreadful numbers everyday, everytime that I get a craving…  I will do it… It’s so exciting! I’m starting to really see a huge difference in my before and after pictures.

I feel different now, I mean I know it’s only 47 lbs, but I have more confidence and I feel happier… and I’m not as afraid to be noticed now… for other things than my singing…  

I don’t think I’m going to be a fat opera singer anymore… 

The scary part is to me, when I do get to my goal weight… I won’t have any excuses anymore… My excuses won’t be able to protect me…  It will just be me… and I really hope…….. that …. will finally be enough!!!!

Thanks to all of you for your support… It really means so much to me!

Hello Everyone!

Just a little blog to say hello and to thank all of you for your friendship and kind words of encouragement. If anyone ever needs to talk I’m here for you! Just send me a message and I’d love to hear from you…

I have been staying right on track with my eating. Today was a lil difficult but I made it through. I sometimes feel like I want to eat “junk food” but I’m to the point that I would feel really guilty if I messed up now…  I have been tempted but I always stop before I give in. It’s sooo complicated isn’t it? But anything worth doing is going to be tough!

Have a great weekend!

 Sincerely, Dennise

OK, so here we are… I joined this site last December, so almost a year ago;give or take a month. I have tried losing weight on and off but I was always so tired and just gave into my wants and cravings… I have had recitals, voice competitions, and concerts to prepare for and they have gone extremely well. I settled for people complimenting me on my voice, face, hair, or gowns that my mother sews for me. All of those things are amazing and I am very grateful. However, I could always be so much more and I’m tired of not living up to the goals that I know I can attain with just a little hard work…        So here’s the story…..

7 years ago, I had a severe acne problem…. I found a wonderful dermatologist that saved my skin. BUT she prescribed Bactrim double strength and I have been on those pills for 7 years twice a day… off and on I get sinus trouble but I thought it was just allergies… and being an opera singer, that’s definitely a hassle!!! So, needless to say, everytime my sinuses would flair up I would go to my MD and they would prescribe more antibiotics and prednisone to keep my sinus cavities open. Well… back in September, I had this really horrible case of what I thought was “chapped lips” I kept putting chap stick on and it progressively worsened overtime… I then decided to go to my dermatologist and she said it was “yeast” and to stop taking my acne meds immediately… ok, you’re probably saying… why are you blogging about this…? BECAUSE,  I have no idea how long this was going on with my body… 7 years is a long time… and I guess the chapped lips was just a cry out to make me do something about it…    Since I have experienced this: My body is extremely sensitive to sugars and anything with yeast products, including wheat…    SO since this entire episode I have lost a total of 18 lbs since October 18. I am realizing though, this medical condition known as “Candida” really can cause many symptoms I never even knew about. You can get over this condition but I think it’s important to let everyone know some of the symptoms it can cause… That sinus congestion I was speaking of is ONE symptom… and all the antibiotics just made it worse… fatigue, menstrual problems, headaches, muscle aches, brain fog, inability to lose weight, skin rashes…     So, that’s my story… and I am doing much better… but this is very serious and I truly believe that it was making it much more difficult to lose weight. I hope all of you are doing well and enjoying the autumn months and the upcoming holidays ahead… take care… much love!! -Dennise

a detailed list of the symptoms it can cause:

Well, it’s my first day on this diet. I decided to start off with just a basic 1500-2000 calorie diet. Once I’m used to that, I’ll do some modifications. I didn’t know if I’d be able to pull it off though. Amazingly so, I’m pleased to report that after all days meals… I’m only at 1613 calories.  With all of my water intake. That’s especially important.

I’ll just keep on this track…    I felt good all day, with no cravings or shakiness. I bought a scale and it should be here any day. I really think that weighing myself once a week will inspire me to keep up with it.

I really would love to have buddies to help motivate and vice versa. If anyone wants to … please let me know. I’m all for that.

Replies are welcome!

Sincerely, Dennise

Hello!

This is my first blog about dieting and weight loss. I had a work out buddy at one time but we went our own ways. Losing weight is so difficult on your own. I would love to find people to connect with. Help motivate one another, etc.

I am an opera singer… and I am so tired of the age old stigma that opera singers are all big. I have several auditions to get ready for and I’m trying to make a new healthy lifestyle for myself. I want to lose weight but most of all, I want to be healthy. Things are going well with my career so far…  I want to be in charge of the way I eat. When I do to the auditions, I don’t want them to say, I love your voice, I love your face, you just need to lose weight. The  weight thing always holds me down. This time, I’m going to beat this!